C is for Co-Regulation: How Caregivers Can Help Kids Manage Big Emotions

If you've ever told an overwhelmed child to “calm down” and it only made things worse, you’re not alone. For children, self-regulation—managing their emotions and reactions—doesn’t come naturally. That’s where co-regulation comes in.

Rather than expecting kids to handle big emotions alone, co-regulation is the process where caregivers model and provide emotional stability, helping children develop their own self-regulation skills over time.

Why Co-Regulation Matters

Neurodivergent children often experience heightened emotional responses due to differences in sensory processing, executive functioning, and stress regulation. Dr. Stuart Shanker, a leading expert on self-regulation, explains:

"Self-regulation is not about controlling emotions, but about recognizing stressors and finding ways to manage them effectively." (Self-Reg: How to Help Your Child and You Break the Stress Cycle and Successfully Engage with Life, 2016)

Similarly, Dr. Stephen Porges, creator of the Polyvagal Theory, emphasizes the importance of nervous system co-regulation between caregivers and children:

"A well-regulated nervous system provides a sense of safety, which is essential for a child’s emotional and cognitive development." (The Pocket Guide to Polyvagal Theory, 2017)

When caregivers provide consistent, calm, and supportive co-regulation, children begin to internalize these strategies, building lifelong skills to navigate emotions independently.

How to Co-Regulate Effectively

✅ Stay Calm Yourself: 

Children mirror the emotional states of those around them. Taking deep breaths, slowing down speech, and remaining composed helps a dysregulated child borrow your calm.

✅ Validate Their Feelings: 

Saying, “I see that you’re really upset right now, and that’s okay” acknowledges their emotions without dismissing them.

✅ Offer Physical Support: 

For some kids, a weighted blanket, a hug (if they want one), or a gentle hand on their back can be grounding.

✅ Use Simple, Predictable Language: 

Avoid long explanations when a child is dysregulated. Try, “Let’s take three big breaths together” or “I’m right here with you.”

✅ Create a Regulation Toolkit: 

Have tools like noise-canceling headphones, fidgets, or visual calm-down prompts easily accessible.

Co-Regulation in Action: A Real-World Example

Imagine a child who struggles with transitions. When it’s time to leave the playground, they start crying and screaming. Instead of saying, “Stop crying! We have to go,” a co-regulating caregiver might:

• Get down to their level, making gentle eye contact.

• Say, “I know it’s hard to leave when you’re having fun. Let’s take three deep breaths together.”

• Offer a sensory tool, like a fidget or chewable necklace, to help them regulate.

• Use a transition strategy: “Let’s do a ‘goodbye playground’ wave and count to 10 as we walk to the car.”

Over time, the child learns these strategies and begins applying them independently.

Long-Term Benefits of Co-Regulation

Reduced Meltdowns: When children feel supported rather than shamed for their emotions, they develop healthier ways to express distress.

Stronger Parent-Child Relationships: A foundation of trust is built when children know they can rely on caregivers for emotional stability.

Lifelong Self-Regulation Skills: Children who experience co-regulation grow into adults who can manage stress and emotions more effectively.

Key Takeaway

Children don’t learn to regulate alone—they need co-regulation first. As caregivers, educators, and advocates, we can give them the tools and emotional safety they need to build resilience.

💬 What’s a co-regulation strategy that has worked for your child? Share in the comments!

📲 Follow @ValleyInclusivePlaySpace for more insights on supporting neurodivergent kids and families.

Sources:

• Delahooke, M. (2019). Beyond Behaviors: Using Brain Science and Compassion to Understand and Solve Children’s Behavioral Challenges.

• Dunn, W. (2001). The Sensory Profile: A Standardized Tool for Evaluating Sensory Processing Patterns in Children.

• Greenspan, S. I., & Wieder, S. (1998). The Child with Special Needs: Encouraging Intellectual and Emotional Growth.

• Porges, S. W. (2017). The Pocket Guide to Polyvagal Theory: The Transformative Power of Feeling Safe.

• Shanker, S. (2016). Self-Reg: How to Help Your Child and You Break the Stress Cycle and Successfully Engage with Life.

• Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2011). The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind.