D is for Demand Reduction: Honoring Capacity Through a Low-Pressure Approach
For many neurodivergent kids, even everyday interactions—like putting on socks, greeting someone new, or finishing a snack—can feel overwhelming. What might seem like simple requests from an adult’s perspective can register as intense stress in a child’s body, especially when they’re already navigating sensory input, transitions, or emotional dysregulation.
That stress response isn’t misbehavior. It’s communication.
Demand Reduction is about creating space for safety and connection by easing the pressure—not removing expectations entirely, but softening the way we invite participation.
When we lower demands, we honor a child’s current capacity. We shift from “How do I get them to do this?” to “How can I meet them where they are?”
Why Demand Reduction Matters
Neurodivergent children often experience demands not just as requests, but as threats to regulation or predictability. Even routine tasks can activate a nervous system already working overtime. When that happens, children may shut down, avoid, become distressed, or need to disengage—not out of defiance, but because they don’t yet feel safe.
As Dr. Naomi Fisher writes in Changing Our Minds (2021):
“The more children feel forced, the more they resist. When we reduce pressure and offer choice, we make room for trust.”
A low-demand approach helps rebuild that trust and offers kids an emotional landing space, especially in moments of heightened sensitivity.
What Can Feel Like a Demand?
Demands aren’t just commands. For a child who’s struggling to regulate, demands can be:
Verbal instructions (“Time to get dressed”)
Social expectations (“Say thank you”)
Transitions (“It’s time to stop playing”)
Sensory input (noisy, bright, or overwhelming environments)
Performance pressure (“Try again but better”)
Even praise that implies a need to keep up the good work
Understanding this allows us to support—not control—how and when a child is ready to engage.
How to Practice Demand Reduction (Without Giving Up Structure)
✅ Offer open choicesInstead of: “Time to clean up now.”Try: “Do you want to start with the puzzle or the blocks?” or “Would you like help, or do it together?”
✅ Use gentle, non-directive language
Swap commands for invitations or neutral observations:
🔁 “I see the toys are still out.”
🔁 “The bathroom’s free if you feel ready to brush teeth.”
✅ Build in co-regulation tools
Offer support through presence, deep breaths, or a calm sensory space instead of instructions. Sometimes just being nearby is the best help.
✅ Bring in humor or play
Turn the moment into a story or game:
🗣️ “Detective Dinosaur says we’ve got a mystery sock to find!”
✅ Let ‘no’ be safe
If a child says no, honor it as information—not defiance. Try again later, or explore a gentler path forward.
Real-World Example: Brushing Teeth Without a Battle
You ask: “Can you brush your teeth, please?” and your child walks away. You pause, then try a new approach:
You offer two toothpaste options
Sit in the bathroom first and say, “I’m brushing mine—you can join me if you want”
Add a timer or music for rhythm instead of instruction
Say nothing at all, just holding space
When the demand disappears, so does the resistance. It’s not that your child doesn’t want to cooperate—it’s that they couldn’t yet. The low-pressure approach gives them space to come back in when they’re ready.
Long-Term Benefits of Demand Reduction
Less overwhelm, fewer meltdowns
More natural cooperation and trust
Better nervous system regulation over time
Stronger adult-child relationships based on respect, not control
As Dr. Ross Greene reminds us in The Explosive Child (2005):
“Kids do well when they can.”
Demand reduction helps make that possible.
Key Takeaway
Demand reduction isn’t about avoiding structure—it’s about building safety. When we reduce pressure and increase flexibility, we show neurodivergent kids that we’re not here to control them—we’re here to connect with them.
💬 What’s one demand you’ve rephrased or removed in your home or classroom? Let’s share ideas in the comments.
📲 Follow Valley Inclusive Play Space for weekly strategies rooted in real connection, not compliance.
Sources Cited:
Fisher, N. (2021). Changing Our Minds: How Children Can Take Control of Their Own Learning
Greene, R. W. (2005). The Explosive Child
O’Nions, E., et al. (2016). “Pathological Demand Avoidance: Symptoms, assessment, and treatment approaches.” Child and Adolescent Mental Health
Milton, D. (2012). “The Double Empathy Problem.” Autonomy, the Critical Journal of Interdisciplinary Autism Studies
Stuart, C. (2020). Understanding PDA: An Introduction for Parents