F is for Flexibility (Not Force): Why Transitions Shouldn’t Hurt
Transitions are some of the hardest moments in a child’s day—and they often unfold in very public, high-pressure environments: classrooms, grocery stores, playgrounds, bedtime routines, or while trying to get out the door in the morning.
An adult says, “Okay, time to go!” and suddenly the child is on the floor, screaming. Or they freeze. Or bolt. Or collapse in tears.
What’s happening in that moment isn’t defiance—it’s dysregulation. It’s not about refusing to follow directions. It’s about a nervous system that doesn’t feel safe making that shift, especially without enough time, context, or support.
For children who are neurodivergent—especially those with sensory processing challenges, PDA profiles, or anxiety—transitions can feel like being yanked into the unknown. The shift itself becomes a threat, and the body reacts accordingly.
And when adults respond by forcing the transition—dragging, scolding, yelling, threatening—it doesn’t teach flexibility. It erodes trust. It increases masking. And over time, it teaches the child that they are “too much” for needing a little more time or clarity.
What Forced Transitions Teach Kids (and What They Unteach)
When transitions are rushed or imposed with force, the unspoken message is clear:
Your timing doesn’t matter.
Your body isn’t yours to listen to.
Pressure will always outweigh consent.
This is not how we build emotional regulation. It’s how we teach children to override their needs just to avoid consequences. It’s compliance, not resilience.
In contrast, flexibility is a skill—and like any skill, it develops best when we support it gently, over time, in environments that feel safe and predictable.
What Actually Builds Flexibility
Flexibility grows in spaces where a child’s nervous system doesn’t feel under threat. It begins when the child feels seen and supported during the hard part of a transition, not punished for it.
Here are five elements that support flexibility in practice:
Predictability: Visual schedules, verbal reminders, and consistent routines help reduce the surprise factor that can trigger panic.
Choice: Even small choices give a sense of control. Let kids decide how something happens, even if the what is fixed.
Connection: Staying physically close, using calm language, and remaining emotionally available all build a child’s capacity to co-regulate through a shift.
Pacing: Slow things down. Give extra time when possible. Let their brain catch up to the change.
Sensory Support: Use music, rhythm, favorite toys, or movement to soften the moment. Transitions don’t have to be verbal—they can be felt.
What It Sounds Like in Everyday Life
Here are a few language shifts that turn force into support:
Instead of: “Clean up now!”
Try: “Want to start with the blocks or the books?”
Instead of: “You’re being difficult.”
Try: “This is a hard stop. Want to sit with me for a second first?”
Instead of: “We’re late! Hurry up!”
Try: “I’ll help with your shoes so we can do this together.”
These aren’t scripts to memorize. They’re relational signals that say: “You’re not wrong for needing support. I’m here. We’ll move through this together.”
What Flexibility Can Look Like (Without Forcing It)
Here are just a few examples of flexibility-supporting actions:
Leaving the lights low a few minutes longer to ease the start of a new routine.
Letting a child carry a toy from one space to another as an anchor.
Using a “goodbye” song or routine to close an activity before moving on.
Offering time warnings with visual timers or countdowns.
Giving the child a helper role in the transition, like turning off the light or choosing the next step.
Sometimes what adults perceive as “stalling” or “misbehavior” is really a child’s way of trying to stay regulated in the face of overwhelming change.
The Bigger Picture
Supporting transitions without force isn’t about being permissive or avoiding structure. It’s about how we hold structure—with warmth, clarity, and relational safety.
When we meet kids in the moment of difficulty instead of pushing them through it, they learn something deeper than “how to follow instructions.” They learn how to trust themselves. They learn what it feels like to be supported instead of shut down.
As Dr. Mona Delahooke reminds us:
“A child must feel emotionally safe to tolerate uncertainty and change. That safety starts with the relationship.”— Beyond Behaviors (2019)
Key Takeaway
Flexibility isn’t built by force. It’s built by design—by offering rhythm, relationship, and room to breathe.
Transitions are inevitable. Power struggles aren’t.
💬 What’s one small shift that’s helped your transitions go more smoothly?
📲 Follow Valley Inclusive Play Space for weekly ideas rooted in trust, not tension.
Sources Cited:
Delahooke, M. (2019). Beyond Behaviors
Shanker, S. (2016). Self-Reg
Siegel, D., & Bryson, T. (2011). The Whole-Brain Child
Greenspan, S. I., & Wieder, S. (1998). The Child with Special Needs